I have multiple journals that I use somewhat regularly, and one of them is all about being a grandma, or really all about my grandkids, and their cutest sayings or actions, all the way from newborns to 10-year olds (Alhamdulillah- thanks to God). Of course, their parents are recording it in all kinds of ways from daily schedules to underwater cameras to a gazillion pictures and videos in the cloud, but this Baby Boomer Grandma has to use pen and paper. As I thought about writing my next blog about the grandkids, I remembered a realization I had somewhat recently only: all our kids with grandkids were coming over, and being the well-trained grandkids, they are they each greet us one by one by coming and giving a hug and saying Salam aleikum (peace be upon you). As is my habit, I squat on my legs, so I can hug them and look them in they eye and kiss them on the cheeks (at least the 6 out of 7 that are walking now). When I get up I finally remember to kiss my own kids and hug them somewhat belatedly and hurriedly! Since that realization, I try to be more conscious of my grandma craze and deliberately connect with my own grown kids, as hard as it may be with the attention that is heaped upon them. I am sure they also come over to get some down-time, or alone time, and often I will ask them to go and lie down in the bedrooms, and depending on the dependency of the little ones, they might succeed for a while! Certainly, serious conversations are harder to come by and have to be on the backburner until the little ones grow a bit older and keep themselves busy, as I am beginning to see with my 10-year-old grandson Saif, and even 8-year-old Zain.
But seriously, one of the biggest joys of being a grandma (or grandpa) is watching my own kids relish and suffer parenthood, from the delights of cute actions to the groans of tiredness, it is fun to watch it play-by-play and see how they each raise their kids so differently. It is a special joy to see them play the role you once played for them, and see them in a totally new light as parents. New facets of their personality emerge and surprise us. It is beautiful to see all the things they are doing right and better than the previous generation, and I applaud them for continuing to develop the “Modern Parenting Habits” science. And there are those special moments and surprises, where they show their appreciation of who we are as grandmas, whether it is a small cake a few days before your birthday or a massage or fancy handbag or even a new car! Of course, there is the occasional nasty but satisfying thing you say to yourself “so, now you see what I went through as your mother”- we have total empathy for them, and yet we are curious and appreciative as to how they handle it differently! On that note, one of the best pieces of advice I would give new grandmothers is never to offer advice, compare kids or start the sentence with “when I was a mother, I would….”! PS Grandpas: this applies to you too!
Another privilege is to watch uncles and aunts and how they relate to the young ones, and how they each have a different relationship with nephews and nieces- the infinite joys of family relationships and love are on display, and harken us back to when we were the little ones enjoying these multiple relationships and the immense love that comes with it! Whether the interchange is frequent or infrequent, it is special, unique and something that lasts a lifetime, and helps us develop into who we are. Each relationship with each family member shapes our soul, and while a baby does not know it, each interchange, each relationship is developing who they will be in the future, which I find to be amazing. In fact, in my daily prayer I pray for all my uncles and aunts- and grandparents of course- and even if I didn’t have a great relationship with them, I appreciate their contribution to my development as a human being.
And so, while we get to bask in all that love that is called “family” or even “extended family”, I have to say that I am glad I am not raising kids in this complex era of information overload and anxiety- we sure had it simpler in the 70’s and 80’s! I have such compassion for them as they juggle career, family, home and social life- it feels like we were juggling a few balls, but they have a dozen or more balls in the air. I remember we used to have one clunky computer downstairs in the family room, and everyone had to take turns using it. There was also one TV in the family room downstairs and away from bedrooms, and our biggest worry was too much MTV playing and corrupting our kids! Now the choices and availability are mind-boggling and I wonder how do these little brains handle all this; how will it change them and how can parents and grandparents channel our fears and worries in a way that it becomes win-win for all? We should observe ourselves too- those of us addicted to our phones, Facebook and all the myriad of social media tools available- are we being the role models we wish to be? Are we self-aware and self-observant to utilize this amazing phenomenon in a positive and constructive manner? I do hope that in the midst of all this technology the warmth of family and friends’ contact, relationships, conversations and eating together – the universal social connector- is preserved forever.
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