As I approach my 66th birthday in 9 days, I am excited to apply for Social Security especially as I retired 2 years ago (I hope that Social Security remains intact and helpful for my children and grandchildren and we continue to strengthen the social and community safety in our country instead of dismantling the social innovations of only a hundred years or less ago). I never planned to retire so early, but as it coincided with a growing team of the most delightful and adorable grandchildren (as any grandmother would say), I took the big step almost unconsciously. And it was with a big smile on my face that last week I told a recruiter for the first time that no thanks, I am not looking for full-time work anymore. Call me in for speed consulting, fine, but full-time work is a thing of the past- 41 years is enough of a price to pay for material comfort in your later age I thought, but did not say to the recruiter!
On the one hand, it took me 2 agonizing years to dismantle my corporate ego or identity, you know where you introduce yourself as your job? Why I did that for 40 plus years I don’t know- I guess it is the culture, and a sense of pride that women have finally attained equality. I was the only woman in my Computer Science class at college, the first working mother at American Express (with four kids too), an international management consultant, with a flexible and caring husband – Shahid Akhtar- who took great care of family from kids games to grocery shopping. So, I was too excited to ever drop out from the race working and traveling feverishly to continue to prove my achievements. I even kept up our social life and often arrived at social functions a few hours after landing from Brussels or Singapore. In fact, I notice how ambivalent I am about my daughter Sonia going back to work when her baby turns 4 months- she is lucky to have paternity care (we didn’t have that in the 70’s and 80’s or even the 90’s) so baby will get Eric Honan to be with her for another month; but I almost wish there was a better way to contribute to society and take care of young children instead of the traditional full-time work going on since the 1950’s. Call it mother’s guilt complex or lessons learned from the corporate treadmill. But in the end, we each make our choices as couples and it is always the best choice for the family.
So now I enter the aging race- this one is not about how fast you go, but how slow you go! I have become a keen observer of how I am aging, and I am lucky to see the full lifecycle on display in my very own family – one day I am with my newborn granddaughter Nyla, and once a month or more I am with my mother Akhtar Farooq who is 89, and is cared for by my amazing sister Sabah Farooq with help from my younger brother Omar Farooq, and a team of nurses coming around the clock. It is a big task for all, and we are lucky she is alert and fit for her age and her presence is here to bless us all.
How am I handling aging, how are my friends handling it, and how can we be of more support to each other through this inevitable process of pre-retirement and retirement. What I noticed is that as social beings we celebrate early parts of our life with gusto- birthday parties, graduations, weddings, births again and the cycle begins again. But as we turn to become senior citizens the mood turns gloomier. In the health industry, there is a lot of debate about the term “aging”, with some people saying there is no such thing, and others providing all sorts of advice of how to handle it gracefully and positively, such as taking proactive control of your health, taking stock of your accomplishments, sustaining or regenerating deep personal relationships and friendships and certainly handling your bucket lists.
We see friends meet disease head-on, some with stronger spirits fighting as their bodies weaken. Our most amazing example is Sajjad Iqbal, who only last weekend stood at his youngest child’s wedding and noted how it was the happiest day of his life! He had been diagnosed with an aggressive cancer 15 years ago and did not expect to see this day. At that same wedding, I saw other acquaintances after many months and even years, and noted how I noted the change in their physical appearance. And then I thought- they must be thinking the same about me- aging does not discriminate! Our bodies have limited capacities, and while we can prolong them by extra care, easy things like make-up and cosmetic surgeries, harder things like knee replacements, hip replacements, back surgeries, or worse things like serious disease. Some of us try harder to stay fit- notice I did not say “young”. I think the cultural approval we feel when someone says you look so young is exactly the same dynamic which makes us feel gloomy about ageing, and so I would advise others to start respecting age and appreciate it more not by saying the opposite (i.e. young) but acknowledging the investment of effort a person makes in staying fit.
Recently, my most beloved uncle Dr. Abdul Raouf passed on, and one of the things he always said that Islam boils down to 2 things: sabr (patience/acceptance) and shukr (gratitude). To this I have added another prayer: Lord, let me fully use the talents I have to make this world a better place, and let me work for a greater cause than me. I think it is so exciting to have the opportunity now to actually sit down, think, reassess, appreciate and share all that you have done. And then you can find that thread of your dreams that you may even had as a child of a passion, a hobby that you love to do, and maybe this is the time to pick it up and share it with the world- that to me is how we nourish our spirit and fulfill our mission in life while ageing. For me, that thread has been writing (notice the increase in my blogs recently?).
I will leave you all with the 3 questions that I ask myself every day; try them and the Universe will show you the way, Inshallah.
- What does the world need?
- What do I love to do?
- What am I good at?
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