As a dialogue practitioner for decades, I have taught and coached people in the power of listening, especially in polarized situtations and in conflicted groups in corporations. My favorite way to describe listening is “generous listening.”
Generous listening means listening to someone with your whole being, your mind, your heart, and your soul, and connecting heart to heart, which is tuning into each other’s souls and, hence, a spiritual act.
I often like to give the example of a very angry employee in one of my training classes who was taking his anger at the company out on the management consultants who were supposed to be helping employees learn about the new strategy, culture and operational goals. I let him speak angrily several times during the formal class session. At the lunch break, I asked him to share more details with me about his upset. After lunch, he shared with the whole group including local leaders what issues and challenges he saw.
And all listened very generously seeking understanding his point of view. That meant not just listening to the words he was saying, but understanding the context and worldview he was speaking from. He had expectations of the company that belonged to a different era, but somehow had continued to be his way of thinking. In their listening, he began to own his own attachments to a past that no longer existed, and began to embrace the new future very organically and naturally.
It is almost like our media today- they are used to spinning news a certain way to control people’s worldviews and emotional reactions and direct them in a certain way- the term “free press” is so delusional even in democratic societies. Social media has disrupted that. More truth is available for the whole world to see than ever. So instead of trying to spin less, the official media alongwith its pupetteers is trying to legislate thought and language, ban social media platforms like TikTok and other acts that only autocratic societies used to enforce. I get such a kick and laugh at their desperation, as if the truth can be hidden forever! If they were visionary, they would start by sharing multiple perspectives than spinning news for vested interests that control them- if money is your God, that’s what you are bound to do!
Back to this disgruntled employee: our conversation shifted his way of being. After lunch and into the next day, he shifted from anger to curiosity about the new era his company was ushering in. What happened was a case of listening to heal. Just by allowing him to vent and explain all his anger- not just to me- but to the managers and fellow employees gathered, he freed himself to move on and start collaborating in a positive manner.
It is amazing how healing listening is- try it in any setting!
Last night, one of our friends who has had many health challenges in his immediate family was speaking at an after-dinner friends gathering but kept getting interrupted, offering advice, or wanting to share their own experiences. We all have this automatic habit of being ready with our responses while others are speaking, right? At one point, he got frustrated, stopped the conversation and actually said that I want you all to hear me out and listen to my pain. He then began to share -uninterrupted- his situation and how much pain he was in as loved ones were fighting cancer, after having lost his most beloved son to cancer only recently. He was pleading to be listened to so that he could share his pain and fear- he actually had to demand that we listen! As we all empathized and cried with him, we were just feeling his pain and fear. And although nothing changes, there is some healing and connection at the spiritual level.
That is an example of listening to heal. In this case, we are very close friends so one could demand listening. But what if we are in a situation where this intimacy is lacking? We must learn to tune into the energy and mood, and follow it to see what is needed in that moment before someone actually has to demand full attention. And that comes way before any words are uttered. So listening includes listening to the context and energy and not just to specific words or people. It means being responsive to the energy that connects us all to each other and the wider Universe- our souls are a window into that Universe and can lead us to be in harmony and heal those around us. So, listening to heal is a spiritual act, a gift to others and we need so much more of that in this callous world.
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