Don’t Do anything; just sit there

Finding new purpose in “wintering” due to my sudden immobility

20 days ago I had a tripping accident which shattered my left ankle and broke my lower left leg. For a week I was in a hospital, and then I was in rehab for 2 weeks. I was cared for like a baby, from feeding to hygiene to physical and occupational rehabilitation. Yesterday I was transported home in a wheelchair in a van to our home. My husband and kids had set up the home for me with a new recliner. wheelchair, walker and all the accoutrements a handicapped person needs. As soon as I sat in the recliner it hit me. Yes, I am home but I cannot do anything, so I am not really home home!

I cannot do the normal small activities such as straightening out cushions, rearranging plants or books, opening or closing the blinds or any of the other automatic activities as we go through the cycle of the day let alone the bigger activities like cooking or cleaning. I stared into the space in front of me wanting to do, but could not. I thought of the saying:

Don’t just stand there, do something

which for me now had become:

Don’t do anything, just sit there

It did not hit me until I was in my home, as in the hospital or rehab I was in a foreign space being taken care of by strangers. Here I sit idly by while my husband makes tea for me, or gets me a meal, or takes me to the bathroom in the wheelchair. It feels so different. It feels so hard!

I think back to my mother who until her stroke was a super active person, just like I was until this accident. As her stroke began to weaken her, her personality withered and she became even quieter. The TV was her only companion to drown out the silence- both her inner frustration and the outer silence. She lived with my sister who worked full-time. I would visit once a month and watch TV with her. She seemed ready for the winter of her life.

And of course I do not anticipate- at least for now- such a long period of immobility. I am hoping to regain some slowly, perhaps in a month or 3 months. But it reminds me again how precious our health is, emotionally, physically and spiritually; and how we have to sometimes pause the physical or intellectual to get into deeper connection with our emotional and spiritual self.

And of course, as always my daughter gave me the perfect book to read:

Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times By Katherine May

She writes about the power of rest and retreat in difficult times, as she struggles with illness and the forced rest. The book helped me reframe and feel reassured at this long period of non-doing that I face. Initially, like me, she does not want to learn to rest. As she says:

“Life is clearly teaching me some kind of lesson, but I can’t decipher it yet. I’m worried that it’s about doing less, about staying at home and giving up on adventures for a while. That’s not something I want to learn.”

Ultimately, she shows how hardships can usher in a new season for us if we accept and lean into the cocoon of non-doing. Through her narrative she shares the practices of wintering in nature and our ancestors that we have forgotten, when everything is paused and is still. She speaks to the challenge of the shame and humility that we feel, especially in our hyper-active society, but shows us how to slide into the inner world and really know yourself again. So, as Katherine shows us the way, I slide into a winter of my own while the real winter slowly comes upon us. I prepare myself for non-doing and full-being, of going within but not without. I am excited to discover the new Me, who will be ready for a different kind of spring when the time comes! And I also hope this winter is a practice for the winter of life that we all will face eventually with grace and acceptance.