I am in my third month of being confined inside due to a severe ankle/leg injury and surgery. It took me a while to accept this 1 year delay of living my normal super active life. I have not left home except twice for Dr. appointments and with great difficulty. I have experienced what elders go through when their body is compromised- it is a very tough adjustment. For the first few weeks I kept thinking of how I might have avoided this unfortunate incident. But then as my faith reminded me I began to accept what had happened. And I began to look for the teaching that the Universe was providing me.
Adversity as a Gift
I have often said that conflict is a gift as it shows up hidden facts or truths that we have avoided, and it often strengthens relationships if one can have a healing conversation. So I began to look at the gift of adversity as well- what hidden gems would I discover that would change my life. Firstly, I began to appreciate the act of “wintering” as Katherine May calls it in her book by that name, that this accident afforded me. Katherine shares her transformative journey that rest and retreat only could offer.
Like her, I started to see my immobility in a different light- a more positive light than a negative one. In her book Katherine shares the deep insights about life, nature, people, cultures, etc. that she became aware of. The luxury of not doing much physically made this possible. You become a deeper observer of yourself and how you work, as well as the world out there- all its beauty and bounties and yes ugliness too- witness the disproportional violence in the Middle East. Even this tragic time in human history is deepening awareness of things hidden before. Light is being shed on the darkness. So, in adversity we expand our awareness and we observe newly important questions about who we are and how we are using life while living on Planet Earth.
Self-Knowledge
The 16th century Sufi Bulleh Shah said:
Yes, yes; you’ve read thousands of books but you’ve never tried to read your own self; you rush into your temples, into your mosques, but you have never tried to enter your own heart; futile are all your battles with the devil for you have never tried to fight your own desires.
Sufis focus on taming our egos so the soul can thrive and guide us. They use the metaphor of polishing the mirror, meaning cleansing the heart. So, self-reflection leads to self-knowledge. We examine our ego and its good and bad habits. We take ownership and responsibility and aim to reach nobler qualities as human beings. It is persistent hard work to discover the hidden contexts that shape who we are, our purpose or what we think is our purpose, and our actions and habits.
Changing Habits
Part of the self-knowledge is discovering the hidden automatic habits we are not even aware of. Some of those habits are great, and some are not. But as I reflected, I began to discern the ones that were not needed anymore, or inappropriate, or harmful. I started to feel deeper gratitude for the ones I appreciate and known for, e.g. always connecting and helping people. I started to own the ones I want to change as they harm me, e.g. always rushing around and thinking of Step 2 while I am on Step 1! And even if I had read Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now” many times, it has not become a new habit to focus on the present moment and to be constantly mindful.
It seems we need a crisis or fall to stop and really think deeply, which then needs to be followed by practice and sustained commitment to change.
Journaling
I have always journaled at least a few times a week. But then I came across this nifty daily writing tool on Medium. It is called 750 words. I joined and noticed that my journaling became daily as I get an email reminder and am encouraged every day. Just this alone made my self-knowledge and change journey so much more effortless. And I will have a complete record of my internal conversations and what I have discovered along the way.
So back to changing habits…what I am finding now is that as I write down daily how I am doing on my habits, especially the ones I need to change, I increase my commitment each time. It is still hard to change habits. Just two days ago, I was practicing walking up a step with my physical therapist, and I did not make sure the walker was solidly planted. It slipped and my injured foot hit the step. It was painful and scary, and I was lucky I did not break the new bone sculpture (my orthopedic surgeon calls it his sculpture). There was no major swelling afterwards, but it could have been a very serious setback. So even this one habit of rushing around is hard to tame. In my journal entries since then, I realized that as a working mother of four children and a demanding travel-heavy job, that was my only way to survive. But now as an empty nester and retiree it does not serve me well. So change requires going deeper into the context and how it shaped me, and then how it has changed now, and therefore the practice is not needed anymore. In fact, it is harmful, especially as I get older.
What I am embracing is the inner journey that I now have the luxury of indulging in, and that will transform me. Whether it is silly bad practices, or deep principles, it is a wonderful feeling to have this vast canvas to redesign yourself on.
Be First to Comment